What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:36
Ive learnt so much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who is the beast of Revelation 13?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
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All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Would this be the day?
My family never makes their pension either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.